To continue on a bit from my last post, I have pondered a bit more on why I crave to be a mother so badly. It’s not just that I want to be a mother ‘someday’ is that’s I want to be one RIGHT NOW. Why every time another pregnancy announcement finds its way to social media I suddenly feel like I’m running out of time to be a mother. The urgency has always baffled me, why can’t I just be looking forward to being a mother in the future? Why must the anxiety creep into my life and complicate things? What stirs up this urgency in my mind and heart?
Well, last night, I think I figured out a small part of it!
I have lived much of my life as an exception.
Compared to this world we live in, I grew up in an exceptionally large family, in an exceptionally small town for many years, though we moved around a somewhat exceptional amount of times, I was always exceptionally tall and/or mature for my age, I didn’t date until college, an exception these days, I got married exceptionally young, and we paid exceptionally low rent for an exceptionally large house for only two people, and so on. It included big things and little things over the years, but there was always some kind of exception in place, something a little different than the normal of the world and I LOVED it. I thrived on being different and a little off beat, it was my normal and kind of how I gauged if I was on the right track. Being the exception felt so right.
When I would imagine having kids, I always wanted to be the exception. The ones who had babies young, the 28 year olds who already had 4 kids, the ones you would be shocked to find out were pregnant already, the ones who had learned to be parents at a young age, and all that jazz. That’s who I wanted to be, because it was the exception, and I knew how to be the exception.
It’s hard for me to switch my perspective to actually understanding that it’s okay to not be the exception so many times….it’s okay to be a little more normal, how a little more normal may be more right then being the exception. It is quite fascinating to me how normal I feel as the exception…how it actually makes me feel more secure most times.
I wonder what it would mean in my life, my mind my heart my dreams, if I were to live more as the rule and not the exception.
…these are the things I ponder on a Friday afternoon at work :D